College life crisis that not even google could fix

Y'all, I'm having a crisis. A college life crisis seems like a good name for it. I don't know what I want to do in life or really anything about my life. I don't know what college I want to go to. I don't know what I want to major in. I'm a junior in college and have no idea what I want to do. I even googled it, I promise. I google everything when I can't decide something. But even good old google could not help me to make a decision.
I know this is normal but as I told you before I stress, a lot. I worry my whole future is just going to fail if I make the wrong choice (my dad calls me a drama queen). I just don't know how to make the right decision, if there is one. I know this is my life but I'm terrified of disappointing my mom or dad.

I have too many "likes" to pick a major. I love kids, helping people, baking, all sorts of stuff. I think I want to go back to my original college and either just finish my education major or do psychology. I want to get my masters in child life, that I'm sure of. I just don't know. How do people make decisions? Maybe I'm missing that part of my brain. This is so hard.

One day I might actually graduate college but college is the best 10 years of your life right so why rush it? Or maybe that's just me.

"The trouble is, you think you have time"

Disclaimer: this post is mildly depressing. I do not want anyone tell me to not be negative or to have hope or any of that because I'm a positive person and I look at the bright side most of the time but here on my blog I can say what is on my mind. I love y'all but seriously this is just a night with serious posts. The quote is by Buddha by the way. 

Time...do any of us ever really have enough? Time has been a big thing on my mind since I started to become sicker, started to spend more and more time in the hospital, and since my doctor told me it might be a good idea to start talking to the transplant people. Growing up I obviously knew that people with CF usually had a shorter life span, although some have lived such long lives which is amazing. Even knowing that, I always planned my future out completely. I'd go to college, get married, have kids, live in a white plantation style house with black shutters and the porch ceiling painted blue, be a stay at home mom, and live happily ever after. I never once believed that I may not ever get to do these things. When you're young, the late 30s/early 40s seems like so far away. Now it doesn't. Now I'm 20, middle aged if you will. My health isn't all that fantastic. I'm by no means negative, I'm just expressing a fear I guess. A fear that I won't get to have the life I so clearly laid out when I was younger.  I fear I won't even get to finish one of those things. Maybe I can finish the degree but lord knows that is taking me forever. Obviously  only 20 so kids and marriage is out of the question right now, maybe like 25? I have always wanted kids and to be a stay at home mom (and own my bakery obviously). But I know you have to be healthy and maintain good Pfts numbers and mine are already quite low. It just seems out of my reach. I've always wanted to get married, but having someone around who loves me would be just as good I guess. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to rush any of this. I just want to know that I'll get that chance to have the life I want. Sometimes it doesn't seem like I'm going to get that. I see other girls my age that are already married and/or have a kid or kids who hate their husbands or are never with their kids and such. It just makes me mad that they have everything I want to be able to have one day and may not get to but yet they don't appreciate it one bit. It blows my mind. I don't mean to be judgmental, just ranting y'all! I don't think I'm asking for much. Just what most normal people want. It doesn't seem fair sometimes. But I guess no one really knows how much time they have left or if their life plans can ever be reached.  It's just like as I get sicker and sicker, I can see my plans flying out the window. It sucks. I know God has a plan for me. Whether I live a long life or not, it's up to him. Whether kids and marriage are in that plan, only He knows. I guess I just have to sit back and do whatever I can to stay as healthy as I can. I know plenty of CFers that have lived long long lives but I feel that I can still have this fear. I think it's natural. 

Gypsy soul and overthinking brain

This post is really just me thinking out loud. One thing y'all should know about me I that I stress. I stress big time, like a lot, especially when making decisions. I just think about decisions too much I believe. I'm constantly weighing both sides of a decision until I drive myself crazy. Decisions like changing my major or transferring colleges or where I want to live have literally sent me into a stress induced ball of tears. Although, having been to 3 colleges so far, you wouldn't think that. It's like nothing I decide on makes me happy for very long. I'm constantly changing mind. I always want to go somewhere new, study something else. A gypsy soul perhaps? I want to change majors again, to child life, but only one college offers it in my state. Surprisingly, it is not one of the three I already tried. I just don't know. I really hate being so indecisive.
I'd really love to just open a bakery right now. That's my passion, baking. But I feel like I should get a degree in something. With all the credits I already have, it certainly seems like I should already have a degree in some major. It feels like I'll never graduate which is so discouraging. Ughhhhhhhhhhhh. Sorry y'all it's just that kind of night.

Only a dog likes bones and other insulting sayings

I'm sure everyone has heard the expression "only a dog likes bones" in reference to skinny girls. I cannot tell you how much I despise that saying with every ounce of my size 0 body. I do not see how that is acceptable. It is degrading. It's just like calling a bigger woman fat. I feel as if it is a saying to make bigger women feel better about themselves and their bodies. You should not have to put others down to feel better. Some women are naturally very skinny. Some women are naturally bigger. Some women naturally fall in the "average" range, as if average is a real thing. God makes everyone different. There is no wrong or right body type. It's just a hateful saying that hurts my feelings as well as others I'm sure. Some women, like me, cannot gain weight. I work just as hard to gain weight as some women do to lose it. It is not acceptable for me as a small woman to call a bigger woman fat, so why is it okay for them to use this expression towards me? As a skinny woman I do not go around saying that bigger women are gross and undesirable. I do not make fun of or degrade them. I just ask for the same respect. Do not tell me "only a dog likes bones" or call me "anorexic" to make yourself feel better about your weight. Gain some confidence or do something about it if it bothers you that much. I work my butt off to put on weight and I just cannot so back off. Sorry y'all! Just ranting about the injustices of society!

Blessing in Disguise

When people find out I have Cystic Fibrosis, they usually respond with sympathy and pity. Oh how I hate pity! Some ask if I have ever thought about what it would be like to be normal. What is normal? My CF and my diabetes and everything else are my normal. My normal is a day filled with medications, shots, and treatments. My normal is hacking up a lung and gasping for breath. My normal is visiting doctors and spending weeks in the hospital. My normal is coughing up blood (this really scares a lot of people). I honestly could not imagine a different normal. Like what would that even be like? I would not wish for a day without my CF and other problems. What is the point in that? A day of "normalcy" would only be a tease. A life I would never have access to. Seems like torture to me. I have CF, it will not go away. People always seem to feel bad for me but I alway wonder why because I have never once felt bad for myself. Even though my life may be cut short from these problems, I live more than most people! I do not take for granted the time I have. I love more deeply and laugh more loudly than I would if I thought I had all the time in the world.
I feel normal. I do what "normal" college kids do. I have friends. I go to parties. I go out on dates. I have fun. I spend too much money. I choose fun over class sometimes. I have a life. One thing I refuse to participate in is smoking though, anything at all.
If I did not have my CF and other medical problems, I would not cough everyday (seriously, it blows my mind that some people do not cough even once a day...seriously BLOWS MY MIND!) I would not spend forever doing treatments and taking medications. I would not constantly be pricking my fingers or giving myself shots. I would be taller and be, let's be honest, probably as big as a house the way I eat. I would be terrified of needles and hospitals. I would not have an expiration date stamped across my forehead. If I did not have CF, I would not be the person I am today. Make no mistake, CF does not define me, but it has shaped me.
CF has made me appreciate more. I call it a blessing in disguise. I always wonder "would I value these things as much if I did not have CF?" and "would I be this awesome if I didn't have CF?" I'd like to think I would. CF makes me value my education (even though it seems to be taking forever to get that bachelor's degree!). It drives me to keep going and to be successful. It allowed me to obtain a part in a TV show (I wanted to be an actress. It was my wish. The show went off the air a couple months after my on air performance.). It makes me love and trust more than I probably should. It helps me to jump over life's hurdles. It makes me value the time I have with my family and friends. It makes me hold them closer to my heart. It makes me more eager to be outgoing and to treat everyone with kindness because every person I meet is fighting a battle I cannot see. It allows me to make a difference and to educate others about CF so maybe one day it will stand for cure found. It tries to help me not sweat the small stuff (but I stress easily). It forces me to look at the bigger picture, but to also appreciate the little snapshots. 
Everyone dies sooner or later. I just do what I need to do to live as long as I can while living my life to the fullest extent.

My Grand Idea

Hey y'all! So lately I've been looking for some CF shirts to buy because all I have are some Team CF shirts. They are cool and all, but I want something more me. Sadly I do not like any shirts I have seen. Sooooo I have decided to make some of my own. If I like them enough, I might put them on here so if y'all like them, y'all can buy them! I'm trying to find little things to keep me occupied in my time off school. So shirt designs it is for now! So be on the look out!

You know you're a CFer when...

I haven't seen this done very much so I thought I'd give it a go.

You know you're a CFer when:

• Your gas can clear a room...or house...or town
• You groan when you see one line to list your medication
• You start carrying a medication list with you to avoid said groan. 
• You groan extra loud (internally of course) when a nurse asks what medicines you are on after you just wrote them all down.
• You're in the hospital so much that you know almost every nurse and respiratory therapist that comes into your hospital room
• Even though you're older than 18, everyone assumes you are still a teenager (I constantly get told I look 15)
• Your stomach bloats out so much that people give you stank looks because they think you're a pregnant teen. (I'm 20 and I'm not pregnant so you can stop staring now thanks) 
• You can't help but get a little irritated when healthy people act like they are dying when they get a little cold. (don't blame them, they aren't used to not being able to breathe)
• People give you stank looks for coughing too much in public
• People ask if you're contagious
• That first cough when you first wake up sets the tone for how the day will go
• You make weird obnoxious noises or sing when you wear your vest (oh wait please tell me that someone else does that and I'm not just weird)
• People always comment on how big some of your pills are and wonder how you manage to swallow them
• You know when it's time to go into the hospital and even take a packed bag with you when you go to see the doctor
• You know more about drugs/what they do/ and side effects than most nurses
• You can ride an IV pole around like no one's business
• You carry something to do into the bathroom because you'll be there awhile 
• You stock up on air fresheners for the bathroom but let's be honest...there's no helping that
• You have a love/hate relationship with your treatments. You hate to do them but if you didn't, you'd feel downright awful
• You can do a nurse's job without a degree (maybe better than some nurses)
• You work like dog to gain weight while everyone else works to lose
• Every one thinks you're so lucky to be able to eat what you want and stay skinny
• You have a third nipple aka a port (does not to apply to all)
• You've had so many PICC lines that your upper arms are covered in little dot scars 
• One of the most annoying sounds is beeping IV machines in the hospital
• Laughing leads to a massive cough attacks
• You have had a violent cough attack that your face turns red and makes your eyes watery
• You've had a cough attack and mucus flew out....and you never found where it went. ( don't lie, it happens)
• You've had so many X-rays that you'd probably glow in the dark
• You've tried to trap and blow "smoke" out of your mouth while doing treatments 
• Those pill organizers just aren't big enough for the job
• You become a salt shaker when you sweat 
• You cough up blood around someone and they completely freak out and want to call 911
• Your fingers look just like ET's
• You make it up a flight of stairs exhausted and panting...only to realize you have another 2 flights to go
• Doing treatments involves everything and everyone in a 3 feet radius getting sprayed by medicine particles when you exhale
• You've used empty saline syringes as water guns
• You've tried that breathing through a straw because you saw that post about how breathing through a straw is like having CF (then you realize where your thinking went wrong with that idea as you gasp for air)
• You can be sick, wearing oxygen, on the transplant, and still manage to keep a positive attitude and a smile like I see so many of my wonderful Cysters and Fibros doing. Bless their hearts.

Gosh I might need to do more parts to this list as I'm sure I'll think of more. Make this a list longer and funnier. I'd love to get some input from y'all! Feel free to comment with your "You know you're a CFer when" ideas!

Eats like a grown man, looks like a little girl

Hey y'all! It's getting chilly down here in the South! Schools have already been canceled for tomorrow in my hometown. That means every store in South Carolina is out of eggs, milk, and bread. Good thing none of those things are on my list for my big grocery trip tomorrow!
Even though I'm a college student, I like to eat real food. I do not like junk food (no desserts or chips for me! Everyone always thinks I'm weird for that) and I just could not fathom eating ramen noodles every meal. So my grocery bills are a tad high because I like to make good meals every night. I'm learning to shop smart and make my grocery bill as small as I can so if y'all have any suggestions or advice on budgeting groceries or using coupons please feel free to comment. I'm going to keep trying myself and hope I get the hang of it. Maybe I can help another college student out there like me.  Maybe I'll even share some of my college kid recipes.
I have a small accomplishment I'd like to share. I ate 2060 calories just for lunch!!! Oh it's the small things in life worth celebrating haha! That would be a salad, bacon cheddar potato, and 2 chicken sandwiches all from Wendy's. I have the worst luck gaining weight. I haven't gained weight in about 6 years. Even a feeding tube did not put any weight on me! It is just down right impossible. I feel like I will never reach 90 pounds. I'm hovering about 84-86 on a good day. I know CFers have trouble gaining weight but does anyone else have that much trouble? Can anyone relate? Does anyone have any solutions?
Another thing is I've switched enzymes many times due to stomach problems. I've been creon, ultrase, pancrease, and I'm currently on zenpep. My enzymes make my stomach bloat out huge, like 8 months pregnant huge, no lie. I'm embarrassed to walk around after I eat. My stomach also kills me and is very uncomfortable, like severe gas pain inside. Anyone else have this problem? What did you do?
I've asked a lot of questions this post but any help would certainly be a blessing!  Thanks in advance y'all!

P.S. I'm sorry I haven't been putting any pictures in. I have plenty I want to share, but I just do not know how on earth to do that on my gosh darn iPhone.

Well I do declare!

Hey y'all! Good gracious it has been awhile! I've been a busy bee lately. I have been taking my time off of school to do things I'm passionate about: baking and painting canvases!
I have also been running up and down the roads to various doctor's appointments. I had to get my eyes checked for diabetes damage (where the nurse that saw had just came back to work that day after having the flu and all her children had it). She was still sneezing and sniffling all over the place. I also had to see endocrinology where I now have to take a shot every time I eat along with a shot at night. I also have to check my blood sugars four times a day.  I feel like a human pin cushion. My fingers are all bruised as well as my stomach from all the poking! But now that my blood sugar is under control I am hoping to maybe gain some weight! I still feel awful so that sucks but I'm not ready to be back on IVs again so suffer I shall.

For all those who have not seen Foreverland and 65_RedRoses, I highly recommend both! They are really good. I must admit I teared up at both of them. They need to make a really great, really popular movie about CF. I think it would give CF more publicity and therefore we would be as well known as cancer. We need to be more proactive at fundraising. I wish CF was as well known as say breast cancer.

Another thing I want to touch on is how CFers can make other CFers feel bad without even knowing. Like for instance I know some CFers who are like "there's no excuse not to get out and do something everyday" "I work out everyday no matter how sick I am" "I eat so healthy and now I don't have to take any medications." Sorry y'all but shut up. Some CFers can get offended. Sometimes it's a struggle to pull yourself out of bed. Hell, sometimes it's a struggle just to breathe. Some people just cannot get up and work out everyday. So saying there's no excuse makes them feel like there is something wrong with them and that they are lazy. Also some people do not have as severe cases of CF. If you don't have to do treatments or take enzymes or have diabetes too, good for you. You are blessed. Not others are as blessed. As CFers we should embrace other CFers because who knows better what they have to go through. I found a quote recently that I really love. It goes:

"You are not obligated to do everything a healthy person does.  You are not obligated to be an inspiration.  You are not obligated to hide your illness in order to make other people comfortable.  You are allowed to know your limits.  You are allowed to have bad days.  You are allowed to stay in bed if you can’t get up to do anything but go to the bathroom.  It is not your fault if other people leave you because of your illness.  It is not your fault that you are sick.  You don’t have to apologize for something that is out of your control." -unknown

I really do love this.