College life crisis that not even google could fix

Y'all, I'm having a crisis. A college life crisis seems like a good name for it. I don't know what I want to do in life or really anything about my life. I don't know what college I want to go to. I don't know what I want to major in. I'm a junior in college and have no idea what I want to do. I even googled it, I promise. I google everything when I can't decide something. But even good old google could not help me to make a decision.
I know this is normal but as I told you before I stress, a lot. I worry my whole future is just going to fail if I make the wrong choice (my dad calls me a drama queen). I just don't know how to make the right decision, if there is one. I know this is my life but I'm terrified of disappointing my mom or dad.

I have too many "likes" to pick a major. I love kids, helping people, baking, all sorts of stuff. I think I want to go back to my original college and either just finish my education major or do psychology. I want to get my masters in child life, that I'm sure of. I just don't know. How do people make decisions? Maybe I'm missing that part of my brain. This is so hard.

One day I might actually graduate college but college is the best 10 years of your life right so why rush it? Or maybe that's just me.

"The trouble is, you think you have time"

Disclaimer: this post is mildly depressing. I do not want anyone tell me to not be negative or to have hope or any of that because I'm a positive person and I look at the bright side most of the time but here on my blog I can say what is on my mind. I love y'all but seriously this is just a night with serious posts. The quote is by Buddha by the way. 

Time...do any of us ever really have enough? Time has been a big thing on my mind since I started to become sicker, started to spend more and more time in the hospital, and since my doctor told me it might be a good idea to start talking to the transplant people. Growing up I obviously knew that people with CF usually had a shorter life span, although some have lived such long lives which is amazing. Even knowing that, I always planned my future out completely. I'd go to college, get married, have kids, live in a white plantation style house with black shutters and the porch ceiling painted blue, be a stay at home mom, and live happily ever after. I never once believed that I may not ever get to do these things. When you're young, the late 30s/early 40s seems like so far away. Now it doesn't. Now I'm 20, middle aged if you will. My health isn't all that fantastic. I'm by no means negative, I'm just expressing a fear I guess. A fear that I won't get to have the life I so clearly laid out when I was younger.  I fear I won't even get to finish one of those things. Maybe I can finish the degree but lord knows that is taking me forever. Obviously  only 20 so kids and marriage is out of the question right now, maybe like 25? I have always wanted kids and to be a stay at home mom (and own my bakery obviously). But I know you have to be healthy and maintain good Pfts numbers and mine are already quite low. It just seems out of my reach. I've always wanted to get married, but having someone around who loves me would be just as good I guess. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to rush any of this. I just want to know that I'll get that chance to have the life I want. Sometimes it doesn't seem like I'm going to get that. I see other girls my age that are already married and/or have a kid or kids who hate their husbands or are never with their kids and such. It just makes me mad that they have everything I want to be able to have one day and may not get to but yet they don't appreciate it one bit. It blows my mind. I don't mean to be judgmental, just ranting y'all! I don't think I'm asking for much. Just what most normal people want. It doesn't seem fair sometimes. But I guess no one really knows how much time they have left or if their life plans can ever be reached.  It's just like as I get sicker and sicker, I can see my plans flying out the window. It sucks. I know God has a plan for me. Whether I live a long life or not, it's up to him. Whether kids and marriage are in that plan, only He knows. I guess I just have to sit back and do whatever I can to stay as healthy as I can. I know plenty of CFers that have lived long long lives but I feel that I can still have this fear. I think it's natural. 

Blessing in Disguise

When people find out I have Cystic Fibrosis, they usually respond with sympathy and pity. Oh how I hate pity! Some ask if I have ever thought about what it would be like to be normal. What is normal? My CF and my diabetes and everything else are my normal. My normal is a day filled with medications, shots, and treatments. My normal is hacking up a lung and gasping for breath. My normal is visiting doctors and spending weeks in the hospital. My normal is coughing up blood (this really scares a lot of people). I honestly could not imagine a different normal. Like what would that even be like? I would not wish for a day without my CF and other problems. What is the point in that? A day of "normalcy" would only be a tease. A life I would never have access to. Seems like torture to me. I have CF, it will not go away. People always seem to feel bad for me but I alway wonder why because I have never once felt bad for myself. Even though my life may be cut short from these problems, I live more than most people! I do not take for granted the time I have. I love more deeply and laugh more loudly than I would if I thought I had all the time in the world.
I feel normal. I do what "normal" college kids do. I have friends. I go to parties. I go out on dates. I have fun. I spend too much money. I choose fun over class sometimes. I have a life. One thing I refuse to participate in is smoking though, anything at all.
If I did not have my CF and other medical problems, I would not cough everyday (seriously, it blows my mind that some people do not cough even once a day...seriously BLOWS MY MIND!) I would not spend forever doing treatments and taking medications. I would not constantly be pricking my fingers or giving myself shots. I would be taller and be, let's be honest, probably as big as a house the way I eat. I would be terrified of needles and hospitals. I would not have an expiration date stamped across my forehead. If I did not have CF, I would not be the person I am today. Make no mistake, CF does not define me, but it has shaped me.
CF has made me appreciate more. I call it a blessing in disguise. I always wonder "would I value these things as much if I did not have CF?" and "would I be this awesome if I didn't have CF?" I'd like to think I would. CF makes me value my education (even though it seems to be taking forever to get that bachelor's degree!). It drives me to keep going and to be successful. It allowed me to obtain a part in a TV show (I wanted to be an actress. It was my wish. The show went off the air a couple months after my on air performance.). It makes me love and trust more than I probably should. It helps me to jump over life's hurdles. It makes me value the time I have with my family and friends. It makes me hold them closer to my heart. It makes me more eager to be outgoing and to treat everyone with kindness because every person I meet is fighting a battle I cannot see. It allows me to make a difference and to educate others about CF so maybe one day it will stand for cure found. It tries to help me not sweat the small stuff (but I stress easily). It forces me to look at the bigger picture, but to also appreciate the little snapshots. 
Everyone dies sooner or later. I just do what I need to do to live as long as I can while living my life to the fullest extent.

First Blog Ever!

Lately I've been having back problems causing me to take pain medication that leaves me in an almost drunk state. Well last night in my almost drunken stupor I started contemplating life. Just to give you an idea about just how far gone I was: I sent my boyfriend a text that said "I'm so at peace with the world." I felt the need to write a blog to get all my thoughts out. I listed out all the possible titles I could use and possible post ideas. Considering the state I was in most of the titles were rather good, others...not so much.
This is my first attempt at a blog. When I was younger I had diary after diary but I would usually write 3 or 4 entries and never write again. This time I vow to be different. I will write everyday hopefully. I plan to use this blog for anything in the world really. I hope whoever reads this, if anyone does, enjoys it and is amused by it. I guarantee there will be stories about me, my crazy family, my crazy friends, or my crazy disease.
I guess I should explain the title of my blog. Well to be honest I wanted to name my blog "A field of dandelions" based on my favorite quote:

Well the url thing was taken which greatly disappointed me. So I started thinking about my life. My disease, Cystic Fibrosis, is obviously a great object in my life. Another name for Cystic Fibrosis is 65 Roses (or CF, I'll probably use all three a lot). Well you know the the song "99 problems" by Jay Z? Well if you don't it has a lyric that says "I've got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one" so I started thinking in my almost drunken state about how "every rose has its thorns." (This medication really had me thinking) Thus "I've got 65 Roses and they all have thorns" was born.
For more info on CF check out: http://www.cff.org/