"The trouble is, you think you have time"

Disclaimer: this post is mildly depressing. I do not want anyone tell me to not be negative or to have hope or any of that because I'm a positive person and I look at the bright side most of the time but here on my blog I can say what is on my mind. I love y'all but seriously this is just a night with serious posts. The quote is by Buddha by the way. 

Time...do any of us ever really have enough? Time has been a big thing on my mind since I started to become sicker, started to spend more and more time in the hospital, and since my doctor told me it might be a good idea to start talking to the transplant people. Growing up I obviously knew that people with CF usually had a shorter life span, although some have lived such long lives which is amazing. Even knowing that, I always planned my future out completely. I'd go to college, get married, have kids, live in a white plantation style house with black shutters and the porch ceiling painted blue, be a stay at home mom, and live happily ever after. I never once believed that I may not ever get to do these things. When you're young, the late 30s/early 40s seems like so far away. Now it doesn't. Now I'm 20, middle aged if you will. My health isn't all that fantastic. I'm by no means negative, I'm just expressing a fear I guess. A fear that I won't get to have the life I so clearly laid out when I was younger.  I fear I won't even get to finish one of those things. Maybe I can finish the degree but lord knows that is taking me forever. Obviously  only 20 so kids and marriage is out of the question right now, maybe like 25? I have always wanted kids and to be a stay at home mom (and own my bakery obviously). But I know you have to be healthy and maintain good Pfts numbers and mine are already quite low. It just seems out of my reach. I've always wanted to get married, but having someone around who loves me would be just as good I guess. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to rush any of this. I just want to know that I'll get that chance to have the life I want. Sometimes it doesn't seem like I'm going to get that. I see other girls my age that are already married and/or have a kid or kids who hate their husbands or are never with their kids and such. It just makes me mad that they have everything I want to be able to have one day and may not get to but yet they don't appreciate it one bit. It blows my mind. I don't mean to be judgmental, just ranting y'all! I don't think I'm asking for much. Just what most normal people want. It doesn't seem fair sometimes. But I guess no one really knows how much time they have left or if their life plans can ever be reached.  It's just like as I get sicker and sicker, I can see my plans flying out the window. It sucks. I know God has a plan for me. Whether I live a long life or not, it's up to him. Whether kids and marriage are in that plan, only He knows. I guess I just have to sit back and do whatever I can to stay as healthy as I can. I know plenty of CFers that have lived long long lives but I feel that I can still have this fear. I think it's natural. 

Decisions, Decisions

My internal debate about my future career is raging once again. By the end of my spring semester I have to officially declare my major and start in on those career specific classes. When I went into college I knew exactly what I wanted to be: a kindergarten teacher. After a horrible education related class I had my doubts. So after that so many options bounced around in my mind. I'm currently majoring in nursing, but I transferred and lost a lot of credits so I'm pretty far behind. I thought I would enjoy being a school nurse but one night after watching my little sister wiggle her not so loose tooth so violently that it came out along with tons of blood, I changed my mind. Now I know what most of you are thinking: I have CF so it seems like I should be used to the blood and nasty things that go along with the medical field. I am, but seeing my blood or watching somebody give me an IV or even a PICC procedure is different. I'm totally comfortable with it. I'm not so sure I'd be as comfortable doing it to someone else. Plus as much as I go into the hospital the medical field should be the last thing I want to work in.

 Anyway back to my career battle. So then I thought about how I love to bake, I really do love it. I wanted to go to culinary school for baking and pastry. Every time I think of a career my dad usually tells me how that career might not be a good fit for me with my CF. For instance, being around sick kids, being around sick patients, and coughing constantly around food. I get his point, my lung functions definitely are not very good for my young age of 19 years old. I was around the 50s in May. I have not been able to go back to the doctor's yet because I lost health insurance once I turned 19. Still its discouraging to say the least. I have no idea what to do. What if all I want to do in life is get married and then be a stay at home mom? Is that really so bad? I cannot honestly think of any degree that I would love to have. Should I finish my early childhood degree. Should I go to culinary school? Should I just jump right in and try to start my bakery? I know I want degree whether I use it or not. Decisions, decisions.